Feelings

You know what sucks? When you're feeling good and someone has to come along and try to make you feel bad. It's like their only goal in life is to burst your balloon, to squash you like a bug, to make all the happy turn sad. Don't know why that is - maybe they're just having a bad day. Maybe they're angry that you're happy and they aren't. Maybe, they're just big fat jerks. Who knows?

You know what doesn't suck? Having friends that will pick you up when you're down. Girlfriends who will stick up for you and stand by your side and tell you everything is going to be okay. They don't have to do it. They could just pretend they didn't see anything and go on about their lives. But, they grab you by the armpits, pick you up after you've just been knocked down, and they brush you off and tell you not to worry.

I'm beginning to learn that people can only make you feel a certain way if you let them. So, I'm making a vow to myself to stop feeling guilty for things that I have no control over. I'll no longer feel bad for people who treat me badly. And I'm going to learn to listen to my friends and believe that everything is going to be okay.

I give up

I'm giving up on being a morning person. It didn't work out. I got up at 6:45 today and started stretching and hoped to do a little yoga, but the crazy lady on television had some jumpy, hoppy cardio thing in mind and it was just not happening. I wasn't even wearing a bra for crying out loud! I'd give myself a hernia and a concussion.

So, I'm thinking maybe I should be jolly. That's such a cute word. It's so happy. When you think of jolly, don't you think of some chubby person with rosy cheeks? So, I'm going to be a big fat drunk and tell people to call me jolly.

Step away from the candy

Tonight, my girls went trick-or-treating at their dad's job and came home with "a ton" of candy. Well, it might not be a ton, but it's a lot. And it's not that crappy candy like sweetarts and nerds. It's the good stuff - chocolate and swedish fish and twizzlers. It's right next to me. I can just reach out and touch it. I can smell it. I am trying not to look at it, but it looks so lonely just sitting there in that horrible plastic bag. And, I don't need my kids waking up in the morning and thinking they can have kit kats for breakfast! Hmm. i guess I could just hide the bags, right? But, then if I put them in the pantry, the chocolate might melt and get all over the place. No, I won't eat it. I won't. I don't care that the kids are sleeping and they would never find out. I'm not touching it. Gosh, I wish I had someone here to take it away and smack some sense into me! Freakin' Halloween!

Mistakes

Did you ever do something really stupid over and over again? You have this problem. You know your solution is wrong. It's bad - really bad. But, you like it. It's fun. It makes you all warm and fuzzy inside and you start getting ideas about what life would be like if you could make this mistake every day. But, it's not really a possibility - just something you dream about.

So, is it wrong to do something that isn't the best idea but makes you happy? Or should you just quit cold turkey?

Hmm, while I think about it, maybe I'll have a drink.

Great Day

Today was a great day. I'm a pretty happy camper right now. Things are looking up. My kids didn't have any tantrums. BFF-HO is coming into town this weekend. I colored the gray hairs. My legs are half shaved. Nothing broke down or needed fixing. The dishes are clean. Life is good. I just polished off a drink and I'm going to bed. Pretty boring blog today. Hopefully, I'll trip and fall tomorrow or something just to make it more interesting.

Morning Person?

I posted a few days ago about deciding who I wanted to be. I've gotten no suggestions, but I think I've figured it out on my own. At first, I was thinking "party animal" would be a good thing to be known as, but that's really not something you want your kids to think of when they think of you. So, here's my new one: A Morning Person.

I want to be a morning person. Those people are awesome! They get up and greet the day with a smile and thank God they're alive and blessed. I want to be the kind of woman that gets up and exercises or does some type of activity. I go to sleep too late and love sleeping. I hate getting out of bed. Hate it! I've been that way my whole life. I have a relationship with my snooze button. I wonder how hard it will be to change my ways. Stay tuned...

Singles

Why is it that every time I open up my web browser or log on to a website, I am greeted by hot young singles in my area? Really? Do I need to see this lady's boobs hanging out of her shirt every time I check my e-mail? It's never a hot guy. Of course not. Why? Because women are not on the computer looking for men. Women are too busy ordering magazines online for their daughter's Girl Scout troop or playing games on Facebook or looking up slow-cooker recipes in an attempt to make their lives easier. Well, some women do that. It's men who are online looking for hot chicks. And you have to shove the hot chicks right in their faces because men wouldn't know where to look for something unless it was sitting in their lap!

My problem is my kids. I don't care if I stumble upon some cleavage when browsing the web, but do my kids have to see that? It's not like I'm on a sleazy site. It's my darn e-mail for crying out loud! No wonder our girls are growing up too fast. Life is like a Hooters commercial. Just yesterday, Caty and I were watching a cake decorating show on Food Network and on comes a commercial for birth control. It's the middle of the day! It's a show about cake! I don't want to have to explain the nuva ring to my 7 year old who doesn't know what sex is and thinks babies come from mommy without daddy's involvement!

I guess I could ban television and computers from my home. Maybe the Amish are onto something.

Vice

I need a new addiction. It has been nearly 2 years since I quit smoking and I miss it. I know it was a horrible habit and even had a lung function test to ensure I didn't cause permanent damage (all clear). But, man, sometimes I could really go for one, you know? I'm sure I wouldn't take it up again since I can't afford to pay $8 for a pack. Loosies must be up to a dollar by now! I don't really drink, even though I always wanted to be one of those people that comes home from a hard day of work and walks right over to those crystal decanters and pours herself a glass of bourbon or something. Hmm. Maybe that could be my thing? Nah, I'm one of those people that has to smoke when I drink, so drinking is out. Lately, my thing has been sunflower seeds. I don't know why. I started with a handful and now I can finish an entire bag! What is up with this oral fixation? Maybe I should get myself a pacifier.

Hit a snag

A bump in the road, you might say. This whole getting healthy and being a better person thing just doesn't seem to be working out. I might need some help, an intervention of sorts. I really didn't have much to eat today and by the time I took my oldest to a Halloween party, I was starving. So, my dinner consisted of blue cotton candy and a cupcake. Hey, I washed it down with DIET iced tea. I totally get why it's nearly impossible to eat well when you're on the go. It's way easier to eat a Sonic chili cheese Fritos wrap when you're driving than it is to eat a salad. You'd need a fork for that, which means you'd have to take your hands off the wheel which is just not safe. So, I am promoting safe driving, people. You think about that the next time you're peeling an orange at a stop light and someone's whizzing by you with a french fry in hand! We're doing it for the good of our country. We are patriots!

Who do I want to be?

Why is it when you become a mom, you lose the rest of yourself? It's like nothing else matters - it takes up your entire being. What you once were - a lawyer, a teacher, an accountant - becomes ancillary. People no longer say "Oh, that's Nadia. She's an amazing financial planner. She does my portfolio." Now it's "Oh, that's Nadia. She has triplets! I don't know how she does it."

Think about it. If you run into an old friend, one of the first things you ask is if they're married and have kids. If they do happen to work, it's a job that you consider an afterthought instead of a career you envy. If you are a mom that works outside the home, people always assume you need time off to take care of your kids or that you'll have issues with pumping or emotional phone calls. If you're a stay-at-home mom, you are expected to think like a mom, act like a mom and work your ass off like a mom 24/7. Then, when you're lucky enough for a girls night out, you spend most of it talking about your kids!

When did this become the norm and why doesn't it happen to men? I guess we can blame our parents and their parents and so on and so on.

So, I need to figure out who else I'm going to be. I want my kids to have a great mom, of course, but I also want them to look up to me as something else too. I don't want them to just see the Girl Scout leader or the PTA member, because those things won't last forever. What can I be until I'm old and gray? "That's my mom. She's a writer."

Keep your friends close

When you are having a crappy day or a bad week or a tough time or the best days of your life - you gotta share it with your friends. Today, I got to spend some time with good friends. I hadn't seen BFF-AM in a long time and you don't always realize it when you're going through the routine of your life, but you can't let too much time go by. You need your friends. You need to talk, to vent, to laugh. I used to see the BFFs once a week, at least. But, with school and activities and life, you just don't get as much contact as you'd like. So, today's lunch with BFFs AM and MP was just the dose I needed - like a shot in the arm, getting me back in my stride.

Today, I was having a hard time figuring out how to deal with an annoying person. I think she has good intentions, but a really horrible delivery. Normally, I don't know how to confront someone without being angry. But, today, I didn't want to be angry. I was in a good mood (remember, new outlook on life) so I just let her not bother me. I let the annoying person not annoy me and let it roll off my back. I'm sure I can't get through life everyday in this manner, but once in a while might just be good for me.

Oh, and since I had that pizza and coke for lunch and didn't go near the treadmill, I did run around in the front yard for an hour playing tag and chasing the kids - so there was a little bit of exercise!

The best medicine

If laughter is the best medicine, I got an extra dose tonight. I tell you, there is nothing better than laughing until you almost pee!

I think I did a pretty good job of living today. I didn't fight with my kids. I drove around the county going to too many appointments, and then I wrangled a group of second-graders at a Brownie meeting without losing my mind (or breaking a sweat). Then, I got rewarded with another meeting, but this time with girls that make me laugh - so it wasn't really work. Oh, I didn't do to well with the healthy eating either. I had half of a chicken parm wedge and some french fries with malt vinegar and lettuce with italian dressing and a blondie at Panera. Damn, that was not good! I mean, it tasted good, but when you start to list it all, it makes you realize that it was not a wise choice!

But, I've got a new mission on my road to 40. It's going to be a tough one. I have to start wearing socks more often. I hate socks. If I have to wear them outside (like when it's snowing) I take them off as soon as I get in the house. If I try to wear them to bed, they get pulled off in the middle of the night. I just don't like them! Maybe my toes are claustrophobic? Anyway, the podiatrist said I have to wear socks. I have to put lotion on and then socks. I have to wear them during the day and at night. I told him no. I told him, he has to do something about my dry skin but I will not wear socks and do you know what that man said???? He said "Hey, I'm not a miracle worker." He's a bad man. He's just trying to stifle my creative energy. There's got to be a better way. Socks? What next? No flip flops?

Ooops

Oh, shoot. Was I supposed to do something today? Something life-changing and wonderful? I forgot. Sorry.

BFF MP asked if I wanted to do the mall walk this morning, but I couldn't because of an appointment, so I should have fit it in somewhere else during the day, right? Does typing a lot and getting carpal tunnel count as exercise?

I did eat a ton of green beans at dinner, so hopefully that makes up for something. Stop judging me!

Random Thought

Duvet covers are evil and whomever invented should be smothered by one!

Running?

What is this whole running thing about anyway? I've got a friend coming into town to run a marathon or a triathlon or something. Another friend just said she ran 22 miles. Where did it get them?
I wouldn't run 22 miles if I was being chased by a murderer!

Getting ahead of myself

So, I'm thinking maybe this whole changing my life thing needs to slow down a bit. Well, at least in my mind, it does! I'm getting way too far ahead of myself. I'm getting excited about things that haven't happened yet. Heck, they aren't even a possibility yet and I get my hopes up. And then I get disappointed. Is that the way optimists go through life? Do they always get their hopes up? What do they do when their hopes are dashed? I'm asking because I have never, ever, ever considered myself anything near optimistic. I always say to hope for the best, but expect the worst, but I don't even live that way. I never think things are going to turn out in my favor and then am sometimes pleasantly surprised when they do.

Even though my spirit was a little deflated today after a kick to my ego last night, I still looked at the day in a fresh way. Went to an event at the fairgrounds and it was crowded. It was cold. My daughter was a little whiny. People were pushy. Things were expensive. Normally, that would be enough for me to not really love the place and not go back again next year. But, instead of getting annoyed by the "city folk," I just did a mental shrug and didn't let them bother me. I had fun despite the things that would normally bother me. I probably won't go back again next year, but at least I left this year with a smile on my face.

Oh, and another thing... I flossed my teeth last night. I'm making dental health a priority as well. Man, this whole new life is looking up!

Good support

My friends are the best bra ever! They give me so much support and comfort. Spent the morning doing the mall walk with BFFs MP and MG and some of the kids and, I gotta say, it was way better than the treadmill. I guess there's a time to be alone and a time when you need your girls around you lifting you up and making you feel good about yourself. Maybe, when you've felt bad and down for so long, you forget what it's like to feel good. But, today I felt good. Continuing the new look on life. Came home and took a shower, did dishes, swept, stripped the bed, made lunch for Sabrina and now the blog. Must be that whole energy thing that people keep talking about. Gotta keep this up.

Exercise can kill you

It's true. Exercise can be harmful to your health. Well, if you're a lazy sack like me that doesn't want to do it! I started walking on the stupid treadmill. My chiropractor swears it's going to make my back feel better in the long run. So far, the pain is crippling and I can barely walk up the steps when I'm done. Right now, he's on the list of people I want to hurt. But, I really can't blame him. It's been so long since I exercised that just walking a mile seems like a marathon some days. A lot of you get that. For those of you who don't, let me explain. I don't feel good when I exercise. You're like: What? Shut yo' mouth! Yeah, it's true. There are actually millions and millions of people who don't like exercising! I must have my mom's jeans, I mean genes. My dad's one of those guys who gets up at 4 in the morning to go running or do too many push ups or something. So, I got the mush factor. I wish I could eat Doritos for lunch and twice-baked potatoes for dinner. I like refined sugar and bacon and cheese and everything that blocks your arteries and gives you high cholesterol. I loved smoking and still miss it. I have nothing against alcohol. I think addiction to painkillers is overrated. Are you getting the picture here?
So, I walk the darn mile and just want to die. But, I'll keep doing it. Who knows - maybe I'll get up early tomorrow and do a push up too!

Changing my stripes

Why is it that people decide to change their lives when they're facing milestones? I vowed to myself that I would quit smoking when I was 30, and then when I was 35. I finally did at 37, but who's counting? My dad says he'll try meat again once he's reached his 35th year of being a vegetarian. I guess we'll see in 2010. My BFF ran a 5K when she turned 40. I'm not sure if it was the age thing or something else, but she did it. Some people grow their hair. Some people cut their hair. Some people diet or get healthy while others just give in to their addictions. There's something about these milestones, these anniversaries that we've been led to believe are important. Why? I decided to change my life today. No particular reason. It's a Wednesday. My birthday isn't until January. Nothing special is happening. I think I'm making tacos for dinner. So, why today? I don't know. I did find out yesterday that a great friend from college has a brain tumor. He's three days younger than me and I know we are going to hang out in 475 days to celebrate that fact. But, changing me won't help him. Maybe it's because I haven't been happy with myself in a long, long time. Maybe it's because I want my kids to be proud of me and admire me and the example I set. I think it's mostly because I miss the person I used to be. So, I decided on this Wednesday in the middle of October that I want to find her again. And, if you're reading this, say a little prayer that I do!

The Countdown Begins - 472 days

If I am going to live by the old adage that "Life begins at 40," then I need to get ready. I only have 472 days until the big day. That's one year, three months and 15 days; or 67 weeks; or 11,328 hours; or 679,680 minutes; or 40, 780,800 seconds (shoot, those are going too fast).

So, this is what I'm doing. I'm not going to say something corny like "today is the first day of the rest of my life." I'm just getting ready for 40, that's all. Apparently, it's a pretty big deal so I'd like to be prepared.

Hope you enjoy the blog - at least for a laugh.