Living

I'm trying to do what Tim Mc Graw told me to: "live like you were dying". I've got to keep this mantra in my head. In the past few months, I have found out that three of my friends have cancer. They are people who are strong and have good spirits and I know that God is holding them in His hands.
But, every day when I'm tired and aching and don't want to keep going and do anything else, I think of them. I'm going to try to keep those thoughts in my head every day!

Who am I?

Today, I marched in the Dutchess County St. Patrick's Parade. It was a fun time and I went with my Brownie Troop. As I was walking along the road, I noticed so many people having a wonderful time watching the parade. It was such a great event - there were tons and tons of people and lots of them were having parties. It was almost like tailgating before a big game.

What struck me was this - when was the last time I was at a St. Patrick's parade without a beer in my hand? Who am I? What have I become?

Shoveling

No gym for at least 2 weeks now. I've got a ton of excuses, but I really need to get my butt in gear - literally.

But, I figure shoveling a zillion pounds of snow over the last few days has to count for something, right?

Wonder about a bra?

I was in the bra section today at a department store and seriously felt like taking a gun to my head!

Why can this not be a simple task? Why can't I just find the bra I want in the size and color I want and walk away? Really, I'm not that picky. Granted, I'm not the type of person who spends a lot of money on a bra, but just make one easy to find. And if I can find it, I'll buy three of them just so I don't have to come back.

As I'm perusing the racks, I started thinking of a friend (I won't name her) whose son recently asked her why her boobs were pointing down. After we laughed so hard we nearly peed, I started to think about that. Do I need extra support or something now? Do I have to worry about them sagging?

And just as I started worrying about that, I noticed the tags on several bras touting their ability to reduce back rolls. Some had stay-in-place straps (yeah, right). Some vowed to have no-poke underwire. And then there were bras with a deep plunge! Huh? What the hell is a plunge and do I need to get one or do I have it already?

I am too young to cross my heart and too old to show the world cleavage. So where does that leave me? I can't see myself in the underwear section of Bloomingdales being measured for a bra!

So, I pick one out. It was beige and satiny and striped and not bad at all. Had a little padding and an underwire and it looked like it would fit nicely. I got up to the register and leaned over and, as I did, I felt that the cup of my bra might be a little to loose. Are you kidding? After all that time fretting over a bra, I'm going down a cup size?

Why couldn't I have been born a man? That way, I'd get up, put on my boxers and be done with my undergarments!!!!

Happy Birthday Partini

A great drink and a great way to celebrate a birthday. Gotta say I'm blessed with good friends, but really need to spend some time with BFFs MG, MP and AM sans children. When we're together, there are 10 kids there! Ten kids. That's a lot of kids.

But, the kids are so used to each other now that we can sorta hang and let them play until we hear something crash or someone cry.

As we were toasted to my 39th and MPs birthday, I started to feel a bit sad about getting older and not being in a perfect place in my life. Then MGs hubby pointed to his head and said "it's all about how you feel."

"Up here," he said, pointing to his head, "I'm still 18!"

Of course we all laughed at the irony of a 40-year-old man feeling like a teenager (since they act like that half the time). But, he's right. It's a state of mind. I've got to get into a younger person state of mind.

Ouch

When your entire body hurts after you start an exercise regimen, is that a good thing or a bad thing? Am I supposed to push through the pain and keep going? Should I rest on the couch?

When I say hurt, I mean, a general ache all over the place. I think I have tennis elbow. My shoulder and neck are sore. I pulled something somewhere in my lower back or my butt or something. I might have shin splints. My quads are tighter than my 1980s jeans. I've haven't tried bending because something will probably snap. And I definitely have a toe injury but can't determine exactly what or where on my toe it is.

I'm guessing rest, right? Couch? Yeah. Beer? Okay, if you say so. Sometimes we just need to take our medicine!

Do Over

Do you ever wish you could have do-overs in life? I don't mean for little things that get messed up and have easy fixes. I mean big ones - the major decisions you make in life that sometimes turn out wrong.

If you could go back and change one thing in your life, what would it be? I have a lot of things I wish I did differently, but I guess there is a reason for every path we choose. I have made some major mistakes. But, if I didn't make them, I wouldn't have two wonderful children and a life that is good for me.

So, now as I sit and consider the rest of the year and the rest of my life, I wonder what mistakes I will make along the way. Hope it's not too many.

Stop looking!

What is the deal with these gyms that have windows covering an entire wall so the world can watch the people working out?

I guess they make them for the vain people who have buff bods and want to show them off. That's got to be the reason. It could be they're trying to say to everyone driving by "Hey, look. Exercise is great! Look how many people are running on the treadmill! You could be one of them!" So, it's kind of like free advertising, right?

Seriously, if there were machines at my gym that backed up to the wall, I'd probably use them. Does the guy running behind me really need to see my butt as I try to conquer the elliptical machine? I'm sure he'd rather not.

To me, there's nothing over attractive about pumping iron and/or working out. It's sweaty and stinky and really doesn't make people look good. I mean, the end result is good, but the during... not so much. So, put some tint on the windows please and leave it up to the imagination!

Countdown to 40

Yesterday was my 39th birthday, which means today is the first day of my 40th year! Okay, folks. Today is the day that I kick start the good life I'm supposed to be living.

My actual birthday was not a good day. School was closed because of the snow from a freak, fast-moving blizzard. My girls fought pretty much the entire day and I still have a knot on my head from where the oldest one threw a drumstick (not chicken).

So, birthday sucked. Life begins at 40. I'm starting my prep work. Stay tuned.

Roller Derby

What do you get when you mix 200+ girls and wheels? A crazy Saturday night for Girl Scouts roller skating! And, yes, again this year, I will be rolling around the floor with my girls. Too bad it's not open to the public. Otherwise, I'd invite all my friend to come so we could bop around the rink to some tunes. I am no stranger to the roller rink, my friends. I grew up in the 80s. I had awesome skates with a rainbow on them and spent more time skating up and down my street than I did on homework, I'm sure. Growing up, we had a place called Wheels. It was like a nightclub but it was a roller rink. I can hear the Expose and Madonna tunes in my head, picture the colored lights on the wood floor and see my friends in their acid-washed jeans. Oh, the memories.

What next?

I'm sitting here uploading some "apps" to my iPod and wondering what my kids are going to do with themselves in 20 years.

Do you remember when getting a record was a big deal? When you had that little plastic thingy that you put in the middle of a 45 in order to make it fit on your record player? I can still picture the labels of my Pat Benatar and Rick Springfield records and remember how awesome it was to get an entire album for Christmas!

Of course, I can still see the album cover on the iPod, but it's so different. You can't touch it anymore. Yes, it's better that you don't have to put a quarter on the arm and blow on the needle to stop the song from skipping, but there's nothing tangible. I guess that's why kids don't understand the progress we've made over the last few decades.

When my kids want a song, they think I can just put it on the radio - they don't understand that I can't control the radio. Same with the TV. If you've got a DVR, they can watch recorded programs whenever they want. They don't get that TV stations used to go off at 2 a.m. and all you could watch was a barcoded screen. They don't have to put film in a camera and wait a week to see the pictures they take. They don't have to stop the car and find a phone in order to call someone or wait for a letter to arrive in the mail.

When we were kids, The Jetsons seemed like a different world. But, it's not hard to imagine our children living like that - flying to work and having a machine to dress them every morning. I can't imagine what people in their 80s must think of the changes in the world today. They've known a world where radio was a milestone and the only type of entertainment a family had.

Sometimes, I get sad that my kids don't know a life without this technology. They don't understand what it is to go and "call for" one of their friends and just play. Other days, I'm grateful for the distraction of the movie on the long car ride!

Pump it up

I went to the gym yesterday! Finally! I got over the anxiety and fear and the overwhelming desire to keep driving.

I rode the stationary bike and did some weight stuff. I don't know what I was doing - something about lats.

So, cross your fingers that I will actually go back!

Boobs

Since December, I've lost about 30 pounds. Some people have said they can see the difference and, I will admit, my pants aren't as tight as they used to be. But do you know what else doesn't fit well anymore? My bra!

I'm happy to lose the weight, but could it have come off my tummy or my butt? Nope. The boobs were the first to go. How unfair is that? It's bad enough we have to deal with them sagging as we get older, but the added slap in the face? It's just cruel.

Now I've got to go out and buy some type of push-up number, I guess. It's not that I'm into having big boobs or whatever. I just want what was there - what I got used to and what fits.

Just yesterday, someone said I need to take a trip to Victoria's Secret. I just laughed. I've never been in there and probably never will visit. I'm not the kind of person who pays more than 20 bucks for a bra.

I'm also not the kind of person who tries on bras or gets measured for them. Boy, would I hate to have that job - measuring a lady for a bra. Doesn't sound fun. But, it's all a part of being a woman, apparently.

So, it's a trade off - lose weight, lose boobs. Well, if it's the price I have to pay, so be it.

Not getting my way

Lately, there are a few things that I have wanted to go a certain way and they haven't. And I have gotten angry and frustrated and disappointed and try to will them to go my way. Didn't work. But, I didn't give up. You'd think that not giving up on something is a good thing. But, what if the thing you're trying to get is BAD for you?

I thought about it - a lot. Night and day, I thought about how my life would be different if I just got this one thing to work out. In my vision, my life was better and I was so much happier. But, that's just my vision. It was great because that's what I was making it! Why would anyone make a dream turn out bad? Why would you not want the "happily ever after" to come true?

If you wanted a relationship to start, would you envision it going down in flames? No, you'd see yourself arm in arm with the guy, waving the kids off to school and then hugging before you went back to the house to snuggle and spend the day showing how much you loved each other.

So, why do I think that just because I want something it's the right thing for me? I think God is sending me a message. I think He is letting me know that the thing I've been after isn't the best option for my life. My problem is that I haven't been listening. I've been ignoring the signs.

Okay, not anymore. I still want some things, but I'm beginning to get it. I want them, but that will be that. Doesn't mean I'll get my way.

Renewed hope

Did I mention I joined a gym? It's nothing fancy - just machines. No classes, no pool, no childcare. But, it's 10 bucks a month and that's right up my alley.

So, my hope is renewed. I will not be one of those New Year's resolution people that crowd the gym in January and February and are never seen again come April. I am going to do this. Even though I have no idea how to use half the machines!

Tired....

The other day, my girls were playing with my makeup as I was "putting on my face." Now, I'm not a big makeup wearer. A little mascara, a little coverup under the eyes - I don't go crazy. But, as I'm standing there applying it (mind you, I'm doing this to look somewhat decent before going out in public) my older daughter says "Mom, why do you put that stuff on?" And I asked "what stuff?" She says: The stuff that makes black circles under your eyes.

WHAT? I'm putting this crap on to get rid of the black circles!!!! My kids think I'm intentionally putting them there? Like I'm trying to start some crazy new fashion trend!

Ugh, how bad must I look? I realize that children are brutally honest, but ouch. That one kind of hurt!

But then I thought about it a bit and realized (and told them) that my kids are the reason for the dark circles under my eyes. My kids are the reason I'm exhausted all the time. Not just because of their high energy level and their horrible tendency to bore quickly. It's because they won't get the heck out of my bed! They want to sleep there every night. They won't leave. I take them out (which is not easy because they're heavy) and they come back.

Sharing a bed with these girls is not easy. They wiggle and squirm and kick and end up at a 90-degree angle half the time. That is why I'm so tired, hence the dark circles! So, it's all their fault.

I wonder if Clinique makes something for that.

Bad habits

It's been two years now since I quit smoking. It was a horrible habit - one that I still miss. My addiction wasn't really physical. It was more psychological. I used to get a lot done when I was sitting out on the back deck having a smoke - reading, writing, phone calls, etc. But, it's something I've gotten over and I don't think about it every day like I did in the first year as an ex-smoker. (ed note: I will never consider myself a non-smoker, because I associate "those people" as the ones that cough and gag whenever they pass a lit cigarette).

Thinking about smoking got me thinking about other bad habits that I have. I used to bite my nails all the time. I did stop, but I do still bite my cuticles (and it drives my mom nuts! She will still smack my hand.)

I'd like to say that my oral fixation with food was caused by my quitting smoking, but that's not true. I was fat before I quit. I just gained 40 pounds after I quit. Now, I'm down 20 and working on more. That brings me to another bad habit - being lazy.

This week, I am going to sign up for a gym membership. Yes, there is a treadmill in the house and, sure, I could walk on the Rail Trail, which is not far from my house. But, I know I won't. So, I'm going to the gym - no matter how embarrassed I am.

What else? Does anger count as a bad habit? I'm quick to react to things in a negative way. Of course, I tell my kids they shouldn't get mad and, instead, think about how to react to a problem. "Do as I say, not as I do" right? That one has definitely got to go. I think I'd rather be a fat, no-nail smoker than to be angry all the time. I'm gonna work on it.

So, if you see me coming out of the gym with a scowl on my face, it's because I want a cigarette and a cookie. Tell me to smile. You can't be mad when you're smiling!

Younger Women

All my life, I've been the youngest. I started school early so all the kids in my class were a year older than me and, growing up, all my friends were older than me. Until now. I just wished two college friends happy birthday and breathed a sigh of relief when I realized they are both older than me. Then the last birthday wish to a church friend. She's got three kids and is a fantastic woman and awesome mom. I always felt on an even par with her since her oldest is the same age as my youngest.

Yeah, she's 30. Thirty! She was born in a decade that starts with an 8!!!! She wasn't even alive in the 70s. So, of course, now I feel friggin' old. Damn. I was starting to feel good about 2010.

That's it. From now on, I'm going to do my best to never find out how old anyone is. I just don't want to know! I will no longer befriend any woman who doesn't have a wrinkle. That is my vow for the year and I'm sticking to it. And don't even try to trick me with your little crinkly-eye smile wrinkles. I can spot a fake from a mile away!