Resolved

Last night, I started thinking about the whole idea of making New Year's resolutions. I've never been a big fan. Why set yourself up for disappointment, you know? It's like saying you're going to give up chocolate for Lent. Won't happen.

New Year's is such a letdown, in my opinion. You get so crazy for one night and then, boom, it's done - just like any other night would be. But, this is the new me, so I'm going to try and be positive about it. What a wonderful day to celebrate! It's the end of one year and the start of something completely new, all wrapped up in one evening. Sometimes, there's even fireworks or champagne!

In keeping with the spirit, I'm going to make some resolutions too.
1) quit smoking (even though I did it in January 2008, I think about going back, so I'm keeping this one!)
2) floss my teeth every night (I've never had a cavity, but knowing my luck, I'll get gum disease and all my teeth will fall out!)
3) be more patient (I swear, I'm really going to do this one this year!)
4) get an agent (I will publish a book before I die, I promise you!)
5) do things I keep putting off (if I stopped procrastinating and just took a deep breath and did half the things I need to do, life would be lots easier).

Okay, I'm limiting myself to five. Maybe I should have aimed higher. Maybe I should have a really long list so it will just seem unattainable and I won't be disappointed when I give up in February. Or, maybe I'll just do it. Check back in January 2011 - the month that I turn 40 - and see if any of it has actually come true!

The new 30?

A friend told me recently that 40 is the new 30.

Honestly, who makes this stuff up? These terms that are supposed to define who we are? I'm sure it's the same people that have just entered that specific age bracket and want to pretend they're still young.

I'm sure someone once told me that 30 is the new 20. You know, when I was in my 20s, I was a jerk. I made some of the worst decisions of my life. There were so many mistakes, so much bad behavior. I shudder just thinking about it. I've got to say that I loved being 30. I didn't mind being 35 or 36 or even 37. But, now 38 is fading fast and 39 will be here in January. And here I am laughing at friends who feel old when they turn 31!

My dad today shared some old videos with us from when my little sister was a toddler and I was in high school. What a dork! Of course, at the time I was cool (and that's not just my opinion, that's a fact darn it). Now that I look back at it, I laugh and feel kind of embarrassed. I wonder, when I'm 60, if I'll think the same thing about myself as I am now. When you're young, you want to grow up so fast. You think being a certain age will be perfect. But you never reach that age, because no matter where you are in life, it's hard to be satisfied. It's hard not to wonder about being somewhere (or some age) different.

So, the countdown to 2011 continues. And for all of you who might have videotape of me being a dork, please burn it!

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow's the big day - Thanksgiving. It's the time of year when people start to talk about what they're really thankful for. To me, that's like waiting until Valentine's Day to tell someone how much you love them.

I am thankful every day.

I am thankful that I wake up and that my kids do too, even though I'm so not a morning person (and they aren't too chipper in the a.m. either!)

I'm thankful when the bus driver is on time and when my car starts and gets me to my destination.

I'm thankful I have great friends that I like spending time with, but don't have to talk to every day for them to know how much they mean to me.

I'm thankful that my parents and sisters love me and put up with me even though I'm not the best daughter/sister I should be.

I'm thankful that my kids save their bad behavior for me and their best behavior for school.

I'm thankful that there is heat in my house, a dial tone on the phone, and cable service for me to watch TV and use the Internet!

I'm thankful that I am free, yet protected by a country I love.

I'm thankful that God is the most important, influential and powerful being in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Selfish

I've been doing some soul-searching lately and I keep wondering if I am selfish.

It started a few weeks ago when I talked to an old boyfriend and I realized I was just a horrible, horrible person. This man used to drive nearly three hours every weekend to come and see me and do you know what I did? I went out with my friends! Horrible, right? I can't believe I actually did that! Granted, I was 21 - just out of college, had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but still....

I don't remember being that awful, but I asked my mom and she said that I was! Maybe, I blocked it out because I don't want to be associated with the type of person I was before. Why did he stay? I would've been like "See ya!" and out the door if someone treated me like that. I guess that's easier said than done.

I really just never considered myself a selfish person, but I guess I am. I always think of other people before I think of myself. I always make decisions in an effort to spare someone hurt feelings. But, I guess when you're self-involved, you can't really see it. You don't know you're that way and when people tell you that you are, you don't believe them.

So, I'm adding that to my list of goals - stop being selfish. God help me!

Getting out of town

Talking to a friend yesterday and he tells me he's just finished booking his summer vacation. He says it will be peaceful and relaxing - just him and a cocktail and a book, lounging on the beach, disconnecting from the world. Okay, sure, sounds great. Where you going? Key West? Bermuda? Mexico?

Africa.

No really, where are you going?

Africa. Some remote island off the coast of Africa.

Luckily, we're talking on the phone and he can't see the screwed up expression on my face that is being caused by my racing mind asking a zillion questions - the first of which is... Africa? Like, how random is that? When I think of setting up a relaxing beach vacation, that is not the first continent that comes to mind, you know? Then, of course, I'm thinking this poor guy is going to spend his week inside a hut under a mosquito net worrying about malaria and his first trip outside to the beach, he'll be attacked by a lion or something and die! How can you read a book when those possibilities exist?

When I first met this guy, his farthest trip was to Canada. And that's not sayin' much when you live in upstate New York. Apparently, in the years that we lost touch, he's become this seasoned world traveler and has made visits to six of the seven continents. All of a sudden, he's a jet-setter and he's jazzed about the trip to the Island of Malaria (or whatever it's called). He says I should get away and do something like that. Hello. Are you kidding? Have you met me? There is no way I'm leaving my kids for a week - I'd be more stressed thinking about them home without me and would have no energy to relax.

Besides that, I don't think I'm all that adventurous. I just can't see myself in a place where insects can kill you and disease hangs in the air. I remember when my sister went to India. She had to get like 47 shots or something. I don't really want to brush my teeth with bottled water. Knowing me, I'd forget and use the tap and spend the whole week waiting for explosive diarrhea and some e-coli. Sounds like a great vacation. Send me a postcard.

When I grow up

Several months ago, my moms group took a tour at AC Moore, a craft store. During the event, the moderator gave the kids paper and crayons and had them draw pictures of what they wanted to be when they grew up. So, I was just sitting there and figured I would color a picture too. I drew a very silly picture of a woman lying in a lounge chair on a beach, book resting on her lap and cocktail in hand. Because that is what I want to be when I grow up - retired, comfortable, happy, relaxed.

We went back for another tour recently with Girl Scouts - same teacher, same lesson. But this woman, who is fantastic at her job and always seems in a good mood, told the girls that sometimes she has bad days. And when she's feeling down, she said, she opens a file cabinet and looks at a picture that really lifts her spirits.

When she opened the door, there was my picture - the one of the lounging lady. I laughed. How great is it that something I did in my normal clown-like, wiseacre way, made someone happy?

Now, if only I could keep that picture in my head and in my heart - I hope one day to be that lady of leisure.

Growing Up

I just re-connected with an old college friend who I thought was like THE coolest guy that ever walked the planet. Turns out, he's still that guy. You know - smart, funny, handsome, talented - he's just got the world on a string. Probably dates some former supermodel who gave up all the money and fame to become a doctor and cure a rare disease in Uganda.

Anyway, he said something about having a Peter Pan complex and just never wanting to grow up and it got me thinking. Maybe he's not scared of growing up. Maybe he's scared of growing old. When you think about it, he could be having a mid-life crisis right now. He could have been married and just left his wife for some 25-year-old skank who loves Prada and chocolate martinis. He could be driving a Corvette and doing the combover with his hair! Instead, he's out there parasailing and skiing and running marathons and saving the world from bad guys.

When I look at the range of friends I have, it amazes me that some of them are nearing 40 and have never been married or started a family while others have kids in high school!

What would I do if I wanted to have more kids? Could I stand if if one day at pre-school someone said "Oh look Timmy, your grandmother is here!"

Oh, he also told me 40 is the new 30, so I'm keeping him on speed dial for when I need moral support!

That kind of day

Did you ever have one of those days where, after a while, you just throw up your hands and say "I just don't give a $h*t!"? I've had a couple of those days lately - the kind where things just don't go your way and you start to lose your faith in everything and everyone around you. Those aren't good days. Right now, my house is a disaster area and you know what? I don't give a poop. My laundry is folded and sitting there waiting to be put away. I have an article that was due yesterday and I'm nowhere near finished. Every little thing that could break or stop working or give me a hard time - well, it does it just when I need it not to. And, again, I don't give a poop. Sorry. I'm supposed to be having a go-getter attitude. I'm supposed to be having more patience and not procrastinating. I'm supposed to have a new look at life. It's just been that kind of day. Tomorrow will be better - or else!

Inspired

Today, I'm feeling a bit inspired. Went to a writer's workshop, that wasn't so much about writing, but more about the publishing business from a book editor's perspective. I got some good insight and feel a bit more positive about the possibility of getting a book published. Before, I thought it was a long shot - one in a million. Today, I'm feeling better odds, like 50 to 1. It could happen. I'm not expecting to be the unknown diamond, the next big thing. I just want a small amount of success. I'm not aiming high. I would like to have the words I write make enough money to send my girls to college - and not a state school (not that there's anything wrong with that since I went to a state university). But, I've got bigger goals for them. I would love for them to go to Duke or Pepperdine or Tulane. I'm not even pushing them to the Ivy League. Sure, it would be nice for them to get the free ride with an athletic or academic scholarship, but the safety net would be good too. So, that's another goal I'm setting - write enough to pay for college. So all you book publishers out there, drop me a line.

Mirrors

If women aren't supposed to put on makeup while driving, why is the rear view mirror the very best reflection you can find? Seriously, what is it? The lighting? The proximity to your face? I mean, you can see every little thing in that mirror. Today, I noticed three stray eyebrow hairs. When I plucked my eyebrows this morning, there was no stray hair. I'm sure they didn't grow in the hours between the shower and the car trip. Even my bathroom mirror isn't as honest as the car. There are plenty of times when I've gotten in the car and looked back, surprised, saying "Whoa, went a little heavy on the eyeliner there."

I wish I had one of those car mirrors wherever I went. Could you imagine? I would never again miss an entire line of hair while shaving my legs. I would see that wiry gray sticking out of the top of my head like I'm Alfalfa. I would see that wiry black hair sticking out of my neck in a place that no hair should be. I think the best place to have the true rear view would be in a bar bathroom. Think about it. How many times have you been bombed, checked yourself out in the mirror and thought you looked hot? Are you kidding? Your eyes are bloodshot, your eye makeup is smudged up your forehead and there is definitely something in your teeth. Might be lipstick, might not. That's where the brutal truth would be a big help!

Downhill

Friends, things are going downhill fast. I am no longer making progress. I don't even blame it on the Halloween candy. I've got to do something because I'm starting to get into a funk, a lull, a bad place where I don't have the ambition or energy to do anything! I was feeling good for a while there, but then little things happen and I make them much bigger than I should.

I've got to get it back - the momentum - before it starts getting colder and I crawl into the cave that surrounds many of us during the cold winter months. I feel it creeping over me already. I just want to put on a pair of socks, drink some hot chocolate and sit on the couch. Oh no - what should I do? Eat a carrot? Run outside and let the chilly morning air smack some sense into me? I think I'll go sit on the couch and think about it.

I'm no runner

So, I ran a little on the treadmill today. I don't know why. I was walking like a normal person and decided to press some buttons and speed things up. Went a little crazy and figured I'd give it a shot. Bad idea. Running is not fun. I can't believe that there are people in this world that run for pleasure. What joy is there in this torture? I've got to know. I'll keep looking into it and report back anything I learn.

Dye job

I will admit - I dyed my hair. I had to do it. After my daughter told me "You need to color your hair because you have like 57 grays in here," I figured it was time. So, I did. Nothing special. Box job - it looks decent. I'm not trying to deny the fact that I'm getting older, but they just look so weird in my hair. Maybe, if I was blond I wouldn't mind it so much. Heck, my mom started getting grays when she was 19! Now she goes au naturel, but not me - not yet. I'm sticking with the Revlon Colorsilk for a few more years.

But, you know what? Yesterday, I was in the car (and do you ever notice that your car mirror in the daylight is the most honest, albeit harsh, mirror you will ever use?) So, I'm in the car and what do you think I see poking out the top of my head? Yup. Damn gray! One of those wiry, crooked ones. What the heck is that? Are they resistant to the dye? Do they hide inside your scalp when they see color coming? Do they have some type of protective coating that fights off Miss Clairol? Bastards! I will get them. I will not let them get me!