One more year

It's New Year's Eve and 2010 is almost here. That means, in less than a month, I will celebrate my 39th birthday. It will be the last birthday of my 30s.

So, I've got a year to get my butt in gear and do all the things I need to do to prepare for my 40s. I don't know what those things are. But, like I've been told 40 is the new 30 and I'm sticking with that. Not that my 30s sucked, necessarily. I mean, I did have two wonderful daughters during this decade. That in itself makes the decade the best ever.

Other than the girls, the first decade of the millennium (thus far) hasn't been the best I've ever had. Some of the years were better than others. There have been setbacks and struggles and I have yet to accomplish a lot of the goals I've set for myself.

I'm going to keep them on the to-do list, though. Well, I may not actually do them, but they'll be there, on my mind, gnawing away at me and reminding me of my shortfalls whenever possible. Will 2010 be my year? I sure hope so.

Deserving

For Christmas, I got a wonderful gift from some wonderful women. I am going to get a professional photo session for my daughters with the most awesome photographer. If you read this blog, and you haven't heard of Surprise Photography, do yourself a favor and check it out today. The other woman who got me the gift is one of my BFFs - another fantastic artist who runs TyBro Treasures. (Check that one out too).

Anyway, here are these two beautiful moms who each have two handsome boys and husbands and lives and they've found the time to create their own businesses and be successful doing what they love. I admire them and think the world of them. But, they told me that they think the world of me. That I deserve this wonderful gift, and I don't feel that I do. I guess I should since they're assuring me I do, but I've lived a whole life thinking that I don't deserve such wonderful presents. Maybe it's more than being too humble - maybe it's some type of self-esteem issue. Whatever it is, I need to get over it. Because, if I have gals like this telling me I deserve something, I need to wake up and believe it!

So, thanks H and M for this wonderful gift and for being such fantastic women!

Ticking Clock

Today, my youngest wanted to watch Dr. Phil. Well, she didn't really, but we watched it long enough to get the gist of the program. There was a 29-year-old woman who was feeling a lot of pressure to get married. There was a 48-year-old woman who was rushing into marriage because she is afraid of never being a mom and a wife.

I'm 38. Okay, I'll be 39 next month. But, it got me to thinking about my biological clock. What if I decide to have another child? Could I? Should I?

It's different for men. My dad was married three times and had my sister when he was 36 or 37. Had he been the pregnant woman, he would have been considered high-risk. I know there are plenty of women who have babies after they turn 40, but who wants to be considered high-risk and go through all of that? Who wants to be sharing the waiting room at the OB/GYN with a 23-year-old girl? Technically, I'm old enough to be a grandmother! I don't want to be the mom who gets mistaken for grandma when I'm picking up my kid at school.

I just felt so bad for this woman who was rushing to get married. She had been dating him for 8 months and he had cheated on her but she was still going through with it. She was so desperate to be a wife and mom that she basically gave up herself. It was like she was selling her soul to get those things.

I can understand her dilemma. Some people would rather be in a bad marriage just to be married and have someone with them. Granted, I don't want to be alone when I'm old and gray, but I don't want to settle either. If I need company, I'll just get a cat.

Gossip Girl

I am the topic of some recent gossip and I don't know whether to be offended or flattered.

It's not something I want to publicize, but in the past few months, I have gone through two very life-changing events. I shared the news with only a small group of friends. Well, there was a leak in my watertight ship and the news floated away. But it wasn't lost at sea like the proverbial message in a bottle. Instead, the life raft found its way to several islands that have high-tech communication systems. Oh, yes, the phone calls, texts, and instant messages were flying!

Did you hear? Did you know? Apparently, it's pretty important to be the first person to know something. I never learned that so I guess I wasn't paying attention in gossip class in high school.

My BFF-MG told me I have to suck it up because I am a pretty hot piece of gossip right now. And, I agree. I would probably share this news with her if I got it from someone else! But, here's why I'm offended....

The women who are gossiping are the type that claim to be friends. They tell the BFFs - "oh, she's been so distant" or "oh, I hope she's okay." If you cared so friggin' much, why wouldn't you pick up the phone and call me and check in instead of another person to share the info? I don't get that. Not that I want to share any of my private life with some of these women, but I just can't stand phony people who act (to others) that they're so caring and thoughtful, but then really do nothing but think of themselves.

For now, I'll stick with being flattered. It's not too often that my life is so interesting that it causes fingers to fly on the phone buttons, so I'll roll with it.

Go ahead and gossip. It's okay. It's natural and most people just love it. Remember Olympia Dukakis in Steel Magnolias? "If you don't have anything nice to say about someone, come sit by me."

Making changes

I posted a while back about making New Year's resolutions - something I rarely do, because I don't believe in setting myself for failure. But, I realize that change can be a good thing, so I started early. This way, they're not actually New Year's resolutions. Instead, they will be promises I make to myself with no expectations. Yeah, I know, it's still the same thing, just a different time frame.

So, I've lost 16 pounds and I am determined to not eat anything after 9 p.m. That is a huge thing for me. I've also been trying to cut out sugar, but that is like, the hardest thing ever! Sugar substitute is really no substitute. And, it's not like I'm a sugar addict. I can eat corn flakes without sugar. I can eat oatmeal without it. But tea? No. Can't do it. Well, I can, but I don't like it as much. Oh, and did I mention I've cut out a lot of caffeine? So, decaf tea with no sugar? Not a fan. But, I'm doing it. I'm making myself do it because I know that if you stick with something, you will get used to it. Thank God I'm not a coffee person!

I'm still not doing too well on my quest to find more patience. But, I am less grumpy in the morning and am hoping that is the first step to becoming a morning person. I get all these e-mails from people at 5 or 6 or 7 in the morning. I love that! They're up and already doing stuff and ready to face the day! I wonder if they're happy to be up that early - tip-toeing around the house in the wee hours so as not to wake anyone else. They're sitting there happily listening to the birds chirp and feeling the warmth of the sun as it rises. Could be that they just can't sleep and they're bundled up in a blanket and are dreading the rest of the day and just dying for a cup of coffee. Who knows? doesn't matter. They're up. They're ready! That will be me some day!

Come on, get happy

I just finished an article about how to make yourself happy and have a happy family. It was pretty good - wish I remember more of it, but I was reading it in spurts (you know, in the bathroom, the way most good reading gets done).

But, the one thing I do remember it saying was, even if you aren't happy about something - fake it! If you can act happy, you can almost trick yourself into believing that you are happy!

I'm giving it a go. One word that would never be used to describe me is happy and I long for it. I see people who are content and seem to not let things bother them and who smile and seem to genuinely enjoy things and I wish I could be that way. I would like to be calm and easy going and patient and not let things bother me - especially little things.

So, I've got to add this to my "to-do before I'm 40" list. I'm going to learn how to fake being happy. I'm going to smile until my cheeks hurt. Even if it's fake, it's got to rub off a little bit!

Resolved

Last night, I started thinking about the whole idea of making New Year's resolutions. I've never been a big fan. Why set yourself up for disappointment, you know? It's like saying you're going to give up chocolate for Lent. Won't happen.

New Year's is such a letdown, in my opinion. You get so crazy for one night and then, boom, it's done - just like any other night would be. But, this is the new me, so I'm going to try and be positive about it. What a wonderful day to celebrate! It's the end of one year and the start of something completely new, all wrapped up in one evening. Sometimes, there's even fireworks or champagne!

In keeping with the spirit, I'm going to make some resolutions too.
1) quit smoking (even though I did it in January 2008, I think about going back, so I'm keeping this one!)
2) floss my teeth every night (I've never had a cavity, but knowing my luck, I'll get gum disease and all my teeth will fall out!)
3) be more patient (I swear, I'm really going to do this one this year!)
4) get an agent (I will publish a book before I die, I promise you!)
5) do things I keep putting off (if I stopped procrastinating and just took a deep breath and did half the things I need to do, life would be lots easier).

Okay, I'm limiting myself to five. Maybe I should have aimed higher. Maybe I should have a really long list so it will just seem unattainable and I won't be disappointed when I give up in February. Or, maybe I'll just do it. Check back in January 2011 - the month that I turn 40 - and see if any of it has actually come true!

The new 30?

A friend told me recently that 40 is the new 30.

Honestly, who makes this stuff up? These terms that are supposed to define who we are? I'm sure it's the same people that have just entered that specific age bracket and want to pretend they're still young.

I'm sure someone once told me that 30 is the new 20. You know, when I was in my 20s, I was a jerk. I made some of the worst decisions of my life. There were so many mistakes, so much bad behavior. I shudder just thinking about it. I've got to say that I loved being 30. I didn't mind being 35 or 36 or even 37. But, now 38 is fading fast and 39 will be here in January. And here I am laughing at friends who feel old when they turn 31!

My dad today shared some old videos with us from when my little sister was a toddler and I was in high school. What a dork! Of course, at the time I was cool (and that's not just my opinion, that's a fact darn it). Now that I look back at it, I laugh and feel kind of embarrassed. I wonder, when I'm 60, if I'll think the same thing about myself as I am now. When you're young, you want to grow up so fast. You think being a certain age will be perfect. But you never reach that age, because no matter where you are in life, it's hard to be satisfied. It's hard not to wonder about being somewhere (or some age) different.

So, the countdown to 2011 continues. And for all of you who might have videotape of me being a dork, please burn it!

Thanksgiving

Tomorrow's the big day - Thanksgiving. It's the time of year when people start to talk about what they're really thankful for. To me, that's like waiting until Valentine's Day to tell someone how much you love them.

I am thankful every day.

I am thankful that I wake up and that my kids do too, even though I'm so not a morning person (and they aren't too chipper in the a.m. either!)

I'm thankful when the bus driver is on time and when my car starts and gets me to my destination.

I'm thankful I have great friends that I like spending time with, but don't have to talk to every day for them to know how much they mean to me.

I'm thankful that my parents and sisters love me and put up with me even though I'm not the best daughter/sister I should be.

I'm thankful that my kids save their bad behavior for me and their best behavior for school.

I'm thankful that there is heat in my house, a dial tone on the phone, and cable service for me to watch TV and use the Internet!

I'm thankful that I am free, yet protected by a country I love.

I'm thankful that God is the most important, influential and powerful being in my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Selfish

I've been doing some soul-searching lately and I keep wondering if I am selfish.

It started a few weeks ago when I talked to an old boyfriend and I realized I was just a horrible, horrible person. This man used to drive nearly three hours every weekend to come and see me and do you know what I did? I went out with my friends! Horrible, right? I can't believe I actually did that! Granted, I was 21 - just out of college, had no idea what I was going to do with my life, but still....

I don't remember being that awful, but I asked my mom and she said that I was! Maybe, I blocked it out because I don't want to be associated with the type of person I was before. Why did he stay? I would've been like "See ya!" and out the door if someone treated me like that. I guess that's easier said than done.

I really just never considered myself a selfish person, but I guess I am. I always think of other people before I think of myself. I always make decisions in an effort to spare someone hurt feelings. But, I guess when you're self-involved, you can't really see it. You don't know you're that way and when people tell you that you are, you don't believe them.

So, I'm adding that to my list of goals - stop being selfish. God help me!

Getting out of town

Talking to a friend yesterday and he tells me he's just finished booking his summer vacation. He says it will be peaceful and relaxing - just him and a cocktail and a book, lounging on the beach, disconnecting from the world. Okay, sure, sounds great. Where you going? Key West? Bermuda? Mexico?

Africa.

No really, where are you going?

Africa. Some remote island off the coast of Africa.

Luckily, we're talking on the phone and he can't see the screwed up expression on my face that is being caused by my racing mind asking a zillion questions - the first of which is... Africa? Like, how random is that? When I think of setting up a relaxing beach vacation, that is not the first continent that comes to mind, you know? Then, of course, I'm thinking this poor guy is going to spend his week inside a hut under a mosquito net worrying about malaria and his first trip outside to the beach, he'll be attacked by a lion or something and die! How can you read a book when those possibilities exist?

When I first met this guy, his farthest trip was to Canada. And that's not sayin' much when you live in upstate New York. Apparently, in the years that we lost touch, he's become this seasoned world traveler and has made visits to six of the seven continents. All of a sudden, he's a jet-setter and he's jazzed about the trip to the Island of Malaria (or whatever it's called). He says I should get away and do something like that. Hello. Are you kidding? Have you met me? There is no way I'm leaving my kids for a week - I'd be more stressed thinking about them home without me and would have no energy to relax.

Besides that, I don't think I'm all that adventurous. I just can't see myself in a place where insects can kill you and disease hangs in the air. I remember when my sister went to India. She had to get like 47 shots or something. I don't really want to brush my teeth with bottled water. Knowing me, I'd forget and use the tap and spend the whole week waiting for explosive diarrhea and some e-coli. Sounds like a great vacation. Send me a postcard.

When I grow up

Several months ago, my moms group took a tour at AC Moore, a craft store. During the event, the moderator gave the kids paper and crayons and had them draw pictures of what they wanted to be when they grew up. So, I was just sitting there and figured I would color a picture too. I drew a very silly picture of a woman lying in a lounge chair on a beach, book resting on her lap and cocktail in hand. Because that is what I want to be when I grow up - retired, comfortable, happy, relaxed.

We went back for another tour recently with Girl Scouts - same teacher, same lesson. But this woman, who is fantastic at her job and always seems in a good mood, told the girls that sometimes she has bad days. And when she's feeling down, she said, she opens a file cabinet and looks at a picture that really lifts her spirits.

When she opened the door, there was my picture - the one of the lounging lady. I laughed. How great is it that something I did in my normal clown-like, wiseacre way, made someone happy?

Now, if only I could keep that picture in my head and in my heart - I hope one day to be that lady of leisure.

Growing Up

I just re-connected with an old college friend who I thought was like THE coolest guy that ever walked the planet. Turns out, he's still that guy. You know - smart, funny, handsome, talented - he's just got the world on a string. Probably dates some former supermodel who gave up all the money and fame to become a doctor and cure a rare disease in Uganda.

Anyway, he said something about having a Peter Pan complex and just never wanting to grow up and it got me thinking. Maybe he's not scared of growing up. Maybe he's scared of growing old. When you think about it, he could be having a mid-life crisis right now. He could have been married and just left his wife for some 25-year-old skank who loves Prada and chocolate martinis. He could be driving a Corvette and doing the combover with his hair! Instead, he's out there parasailing and skiing and running marathons and saving the world from bad guys.

When I look at the range of friends I have, it amazes me that some of them are nearing 40 and have never been married or started a family while others have kids in high school!

What would I do if I wanted to have more kids? Could I stand if if one day at pre-school someone said "Oh look Timmy, your grandmother is here!"

Oh, he also told me 40 is the new 30, so I'm keeping him on speed dial for when I need moral support!

That kind of day

Did you ever have one of those days where, after a while, you just throw up your hands and say "I just don't give a $h*t!"? I've had a couple of those days lately - the kind where things just don't go your way and you start to lose your faith in everything and everyone around you. Those aren't good days. Right now, my house is a disaster area and you know what? I don't give a poop. My laundry is folded and sitting there waiting to be put away. I have an article that was due yesterday and I'm nowhere near finished. Every little thing that could break or stop working or give me a hard time - well, it does it just when I need it not to. And, again, I don't give a poop. Sorry. I'm supposed to be having a go-getter attitude. I'm supposed to be having more patience and not procrastinating. I'm supposed to have a new look at life. It's just been that kind of day. Tomorrow will be better - or else!

Inspired

Today, I'm feeling a bit inspired. Went to a writer's workshop, that wasn't so much about writing, but more about the publishing business from a book editor's perspective. I got some good insight and feel a bit more positive about the possibility of getting a book published. Before, I thought it was a long shot - one in a million. Today, I'm feeling better odds, like 50 to 1. It could happen. I'm not expecting to be the unknown diamond, the next big thing. I just want a small amount of success. I'm not aiming high. I would like to have the words I write make enough money to send my girls to college - and not a state school (not that there's anything wrong with that since I went to a state university). But, I've got bigger goals for them. I would love for them to go to Duke or Pepperdine or Tulane. I'm not even pushing them to the Ivy League. Sure, it would be nice for them to get the free ride with an athletic or academic scholarship, but the safety net would be good too. So, that's another goal I'm setting - write enough to pay for college. So all you book publishers out there, drop me a line.

Mirrors

If women aren't supposed to put on makeup while driving, why is the rear view mirror the very best reflection you can find? Seriously, what is it? The lighting? The proximity to your face? I mean, you can see every little thing in that mirror. Today, I noticed three stray eyebrow hairs. When I plucked my eyebrows this morning, there was no stray hair. I'm sure they didn't grow in the hours between the shower and the car trip. Even my bathroom mirror isn't as honest as the car. There are plenty of times when I've gotten in the car and looked back, surprised, saying "Whoa, went a little heavy on the eyeliner there."

I wish I had one of those car mirrors wherever I went. Could you imagine? I would never again miss an entire line of hair while shaving my legs. I would see that wiry gray sticking out of the top of my head like I'm Alfalfa. I would see that wiry black hair sticking out of my neck in a place that no hair should be. I think the best place to have the true rear view would be in a bar bathroom. Think about it. How many times have you been bombed, checked yourself out in the mirror and thought you looked hot? Are you kidding? Your eyes are bloodshot, your eye makeup is smudged up your forehead and there is definitely something in your teeth. Might be lipstick, might not. That's where the brutal truth would be a big help!

Downhill

Friends, things are going downhill fast. I am no longer making progress. I don't even blame it on the Halloween candy. I've got to do something because I'm starting to get into a funk, a lull, a bad place where I don't have the ambition or energy to do anything! I was feeling good for a while there, but then little things happen and I make them much bigger than I should.

I've got to get it back - the momentum - before it starts getting colder and I crawl into the cave that surrounds many of us during the cold winter months. I feel it creeping over me already. I just want to put on a pair of socks, drink some hot chocolate and sit on the couch. Oh no - what should I do? Eat a carrot? Run outside and let the chilly morning air smack some sense into me? I think I'll go sit on the couch and think about it.

I'm no runner

So, I ran a little on the treadmill today. I don't know why. I was walking like a normal person and decided to press some buttons and speed things up. Went a little crazy and figured I'd give it a shot. Bad idea. Running is not fun. I can't believe that there are people in this world that run for pleasure. What joy is there in this torture? I've got to know. I'll keep looking into it and report back anything I learn.

Dye job

I will admit - I dyed my hair. I had to do it. After my daughter told me "You need to color your hair because you have like 57 grays in here," I figured it was time. So, I did. Nothing special. Box job - it looks decent. I'm not trying to deny the fact that I'm getting older, but they just look so weird in my hair. Maybe, if I was blond I wouldn't mind it so much. Heck, my mom started getting grays when she was 19! Now she goes au naturel, but not me - not yet. I'm sticking with the Revlon Colorsilk for a few more years.

But, you know what? Yesterday, I was in the car (and do you ever notice that your car mirror in the daylight is the most honest, albeit harsh, mirror you will ever use?) So, I'm in the car and what do you think I see poking out the top of my head? Yup. Damn gray! One of those wiry, crooked ones. What the heck is that? Are they resistant to the dye? Do they hide inside your scalp when they see color coming? Do they have some type of protective coating that fights off Miss Clairol? Bastards! I will get them. I will not let them get me!

Feelings

You know what sucks? When you're feeling good and someone has to come along and try to make you feel bad. It's like their only goal in life is to burst your balloon, to squash you like a bug, to make all the happy turn sad. Don't know why that is - maybe they're just having a bad day. Maybe they're angry that you're happy and they aren't. Maybe, they're just big fat jerks. Who knows?

You know what doesn't suck? Having friends that will pick you up when you're down. Girlfriends who will stick up for you and stand by your side and tell you everything is going to be okay. They don't have to do it. They could just pretend they didn't see anything and go on about their lives. But, they grab you by the armpits, pick you up after you've just been knocked down, and they brush you off and tell you not to worry.

I'm beginning to learn that people can only make you feel a certain way if you let them. So, I'm making a vow to myself to stop feeling guilty for things that I have no control over. I'll no longer feel bad for people who treat me badly. And I'm going to learn to listen to my friends and believe that everything is going to be okay.

I give up

I'm giving up on being a morning person. It didn't work out. I got up at 6:45 today and started stretching and hoped to do a little yoga, but the crazy lady on television had some jumpy, hoppy cardio thing in mind and it was just not happening. I wasn't even wearing a bra for crying out loud! I'd give myself a hernia and a concussion.

So, I'm thinking maybe I should be jolly. That's such a cute word. It's so happy. When you think of jolly, don't you think of some chubby person with rosy cheeks? So, I'm going to be a big fat drunk and tell people to call me jolly.

Step away from the candy

Tonight, my girls went trick-or-treating at their dad's job and came home with "a ton" of candy. Well, it might not be a ton, but it's a lot. And it's not that crappy candy like sweetarts and nerds. It's the good stuff - chocolate and swedish fish and twizzlers. It's right next to me. I can just reach out and touch it. I can smell it. I am trying not to look at it, but it looks so lonely just sitting there in that horrible plastic bag. And, I don't need my kids waking up in the morning and thinking they can have kit kats for breakfast! Hmm. i guess I could just hide the bags, right? But, then if I put them in the pantry, the chocolate might melt and get all over the place. No, I won't eat it. I won't. I don't care that the kids are sleeping and they would never find out. I'm not touching it. Gosh, I wish I had someone here to take it away and smack some sense into me! Freakin' Halloween!

Mistakes

Did you ever do something really stupid over and over again? You have this problem. You know your solution is wrong. It's bad - really bad. But, you like it. It's fun. It makes you all warm and fuzzy inside and you start getting ideas about what life would be like if you could make this mistake every day. But, it's not really a possibility - just something you dream about.

So, is it wrong to do something that isn't the best idea but makes you happy? Or should you just quit cold turkey?

Hmm, while I think about it, maybe I'll have a drink.

Great Day

Today was a great day. I'm a pretty happy camper right now. Things are looking up. My kids didn't have any tantrums. BFF-HO is coming into town this weekend. I colored the gray hairs. My legs are half shaved. Nothing broke down or needed fixing. The dishes are clean. Life is good. I just polished off a drink and I'm going to bed. Pretty boring blog today. Hopefully, I'll trip and fall tomorrow or something just to make it more interesting.

Morning Person?

I posted a few days ago about deciding who I wanted to be. I've gotten no suggestions, but I think I've figured it out on my own. At first, I was thinking "party animal" would be a good thing to be known as, but that's really not something you want your kids to think of when they think of you. So, here's my new one: A Morning Person.

I want to be a morning person. Those people are awesome! They get up and greet the day with a smile and thank God they're alive and blessed. I want to be the kind of woman that gets up and exercises or does some type of activity. I go to sleep too late and love sleeping. I hate getting out of bed. Hate it! I've been that way my whole life. I have a relationship with my snooze button. I wonder how hard it will be to change my ways. Stay tuned...

Singles

Why is it that every time I open up my web browser or log on to a website, I am greeted by hot young singles in my area? Really? Do I need to see this lady's boobs hanging out of her shirt every time I check my e-mail? It's never a hot guy. Of course not. Why? Because women are not on the computer looking for men. Women are too busy ordering magazines online for their daughter's Girl Scout troop or playing games on Facebook or looking up slow-cooker recipes in an attempt to make their lives easier. Well, some women do that. It's men who are online looking for hot chicks. And you have to shove the hot chicks right in their faces because men wouldn't know where to look for something unless it was sitting in their lap!

My problem is my kids. I don't care if I stumble upon some cleavage when browsing the web, but do my kids have to see that? It's not like I'm on a sleazy site. It's my darn e-mail for crying out loud! No wonder our girls are growing up too fast. Life is like a Hooters commercial. Just yesterday, Caty and I were watching a cake decorating show on Food Network and on comes a commercial for birth control. It's the middle of the day! It's a show about cake! I don't want to have to explain the nuva ring to my 7 year old who doesn't know what sex is and thinks babies come from mommy without daddy's involvement!

I guess I could ban television and computers from my home. Maybe the Amish are onto something.

Vice

I need a new addiction. It has been nearly 2 years since I quit smoking and I miss it. I know it was a horrible habit and even had a lung function test to ensure I didn't cause permanent damage (all clear). But, man, sometimes I could really go for one, you know? I'm sure I wouldn't take it up again since I can't afford to pay $8 for a pack. Loosies must be up to a dollar by now! I don't really drink, even though I always wanted to be one of those people that comes home from a hard day of work and walks right over to those crystal decanters and pours herself a glass of bourbon or something. Hmm. Maybe that could be my thing? Nah, I'm one of those people that has to smoke when I drink, so drinking is out. Lately, my thing has been sunflower seeds. I don't know why. I started with a handful and now I can finish an entire bag! What is up with this oral fixation? Maybe I should get myself a pacifier.

Hit a snag

A bump in the road, you might say. This whole getting healthy and being a better person thing just doesn't seem to be working out. I might need some help, an intervention of sorts. I really didn't have much to eat today and by the time I took my oldest to a Halloween party, I was starving. So, my dinner consisted of blue cotton candy and a cupcake. Hey, I washed it down with DIET iced tea. I totally get why it's nearly impossible to eat well when you're on the go. It's way easier to eat a Sonic chili cheese Fritos wrap when you're driving than it is to eat a salad. You'd need a fork for that, which means you'd have to take your hands off the wheel which is just not safe. So, I am promoting safe driving, people. You think about that the next time you're peeling an orange at a stop light and someone's whizzing by you with a french fry in hand! We're doing it for the good of our country. We are patriots!

Who do I want to be?

Why is it when you become a mom, you lose the rest of yourself? It's like nothing else matters - it takes up your entire being. What you once were - a lawyer, a teacher, an accountant - becomes ancillary. People no longer say "Oh, that's Nadia. She's an amazing financial planner. She does my portfolio." Now it's "Oh, that's Nadia. She has triplets! I don't know how she does it."

Think about it. If you run into an old friend, one of the first things you ask is if they're married and have kids. If they do happen to work, it's a job that you consider an afterthought instead of a career you envy. If you are a mom that works outside the home, people always assume you need time off to take care of your kids or that you'll have issues with pumping or emotional phone calls. If you're a stay-at-home mom, you are expected to think like a mom, act like a mom and work your ass off like a mom 24/7. Then, when you're lucky enough for a girls night out, you spend most of it talking about your kids!

When did this become the norm and why doesn't it happen to men? I guess we can blame our parents and their parents and so on and so on.

So, I need to figure out who else I'm going to be. I want my kids to have a great mom, of course, but I also want them to look up to me as something else too. I don't want them to just see the Girl Scout leader or the PTA member, because those things won't last forever. What can I be until I'm old and gray? "That's my mom. She's a writer."

Keep your friends close

When you are having a crappy day or a bad week or a tough time or the best days of your life - you gotta share it with your friends. Today, I got to spend some time with good friends. I hadn't seen BFF-AM in a long time and you don't always realize it when you're going through the routine of your life, but you can't let too much time go by. You need your friends. You need to talk, to vent, to laugh. I used to see the BFFs once a week, at least. But, with school and activities and life, you just don't get as much contact as you'd like. So, today's lunch with BFFs AM and MP was just the dose I needed - like a shot in the arm, getting me back in my stride.

Today, I was having a hard time figuring out how to deal with an annoying person. I think she has good intentions, but a really horrible delivery. Normally, I don't know how to confront someone without being angry. But, today, I didn't want to be angry. I was in a good mood (remember, new outlook on life) so I just let her not bother me. I let the annoying person not annoy me and let it roll off my back. I'm sure I can't get through life everyday in this manner, but once in a while might just be good for me.

Oh, and since I had that pizza and coke for lunch and didn't go near the treadmill, I did run around in the front yard for an hour playing tag and chasing the kids - so there was a little bit of exercise!

The best medicine

If laughter is the best medicine, I got an extra dose tonight. I tell you, there is nothing better than laughing until you almost pee!

I think I did a pretty good job of living today. I didn't fight with my kids. I drove around the county going to too many appointments, and then I wrangled a group of second-graders at a Brownie meeting without losing my mind (or breaking a sweat). Then, I got rewarded with another meeting, but this time with girls that make me laugh - so it wasn't really work. Oh, I didn't do to well with the healthy eating either. I had half of a chicken parm wedge and some french fries with malt vinegar and lettuce with italian dressing and a blondie at Panera. Damn, that was not good! I mean, it tasted good, but when you start to list it all, it makes you realize that it was not a wise choice!

But, I've got a new mission on my road to 40. It's going to be a tough one. I have to start wearing socks more often. I hate socks. If I have to wear them outside (like when it's snowing) I take them off as soon as I get in the house. If I try to wear them to bed, they get pulled off in the middle of the night. I just don't like them! Maybe my toes are claustrophobic? Anyway, the podiatrist said I have to wear socks. I have to put lotion on and then socks. I have to wear them during the day and at night. I told him no. I told him, he has to do something about my dry skin but I will not wear socks and do you know what that man said???? He said "Hey, I'm not a miracle worker." He's a bad man. He's just trying to stifle my creative energy. There's got to be a better way. Socks? What next? No flip flops?

Ooops

Oh, shoot. Was I supposed to do something today? Something life-changing and wonderful? I forgot. Sorry.

BFF MP asked if I wanted to do the mall walk this morning, but I couldn't because of an appointment, so I should have fit it in somewhere else during the day, right? Does typing a lot and getting carpal tunnel count as exercise?

I did eat a ton of green beans at dinner, so hopefully that makes up for something. Stop judging me!

Random Thought

Duvet covers are evil and whomever invented should be smothered by one!

Running?

What is this whole running thing about anyway? I've got a friend coming into town to run a marathon or a triathlon or something. Another friend just said she ran 22 miles. Where did it get them?
I wouldn't run 22 miles if I was being chased by a murderer!

Getting ahead of myself

So, I'm thinking maybe this whole changing my life thing needs to slow down a bit. Well, at least in my mind, it does! I'm getting way too far ahead of myself. I'm getting excited about things that haven't happened yet. Heck, they aren't even a possibility yet and I get my hopes up. And then I get disappointed. Is that the way optimists go through life? Do they always get their hopes up? What do they do when their hopes are dashed? I'm asking because I have never, ever, ever considered myself anything near optimistic. I always say to hope for the best, but expect the worst, but I don't even live that way. I never think things are going to turn out in my favor and then am sometimes pleasantly surprised when they do.

Even though my spirit was a little deflated today after a kick to my ego last night, I still looked at the day in a fresh way. Went to an event at the fairgrounds and it was crowded. It was cold. My daughter was a little whiny. People were pushy. Things were expensive. Normally, that would be enough for me to not really love the place and not go back again next year. But, instead of getting annoyed by the "city folk," I just did a mental shrug and didn't let them bother me. I had fun despite the things that would normally bother me. I probably won't go back again next year, but at least I left this year with a smile on my face.

Oh, and another thing... I flossed my teeth last night. I'm making dental health a priority as well. Man, this whole new life is looking up!

Good support

My friends are the best bra ever! They give me so much support and comfort. Spent the morning doing the mall walk with BFFs MP and MG and some of the kids and, I gotta say, it was way better than the treadmill. I guess there's a time to be alone and a time when you need your girls around you lifting you up and making you feel good about yourself. Maybe, when you've felt bad and down for so long, you forget what it's like to feel good. But, today I felt good. Continuing the new look on life. Came home and took a shower, did dishes, swept, stripped the bed, made lunch for Sabrina and now the blog. Must be that whole energy thing that people keep talking about. Gotta keep this up.

Exercise can kill you

It's true. Exercise can be harmful to your health. Well, if you're a lazy sack like me that doesn't want to do it! I started walking on the stupid treadmill. My chiropractor swears it's going to make my back feel better in the long run. So far, the pain is crippling and I can barely walk up the steps when I'm done. Right now, he's on the list of people I want to hurt. But, I really can't blame him. It's been so long since I exercised that just walking a mile seems like a marathon some days. A lot of you get that. For those of you who don't, let me explain. I don't feel good when I exercise. You're like: What? Shut yo' mouth! Yeah, it's true. There are actually millions and millions of people who don't like exercising! I must have my mom's jeans, I mean genes. My dad's one of those guys who gets up at 4 in the morning to go running or do too many push ups or something. So, I got the mush factor. I wish I could eat Doritos for lunch and twice-baked potatoes for dinner. I like refined sugar and bacon and cheese and everything that blocks your arteries and gives you high cholesterol. I loved smoking and still miss it. I have nothing against alcohol. I think addiction to painkillers is overrated. Are you getting the picture here?
So, I walk the darn mile and just want to die. But, I'll keep doing it. Who knows - maybe I'll get up early tomorrow and do a push up too!

Changing my stripes

Why is it that people decide to change their lives when they're facing milestones? I vowed to myself that I would quit smoking when I was 30, and then when I was 35. I finally did at 37, but who's counting? My dad says he'll try meat again once he's reached his 35th year of being a vegetarian. I guess we'll see in 2010. My BFF ran a 5K when she turned 40. I'm not sure if it was the age thing or something else, but she did it. Some people grow their hair. Some people cut their hair. Some people diet or get healthy while others just give in to their addictions. There's something about these milestones, these anniversaries that we've been led to believe are important. Why? I decided to change my life today. No particular reason. It's a Wednesday. My birthday isn't until January. Nothing special is happening. I think I'm making tacos for dinner. So, why today? I don't know. I did find out yesterday that a great friend from college has a brain tumor. He's three days younger than me and I know we are going to hang out in 475 days to celebrate that fact. But, changing me won't help him. Maybe it's because I haven't been happy with myself in a long, long time. Maybe it's because I want my kids to be proud of me and admire me and the example I set. I think it's mostly because I miss the person I used to be. So, I decided on this Wednesday in the middle of October that I want to find her again. And, if you're reading this, say a little prayer that I do!

The Countdown Begins - 472 days

If I am going to live by the old adage that "Life begins at 40," then I need to get ready. I only have 472 days until the big day. That's one year, three months and 15 days; or 67 weeks; or 11,328 hours; or 679,680 minutes; or 40, 780,800 seconds (shoot, those are going too fast).

So, this is what I'm doing. I'm not going to say something corny like "today is the first day of the rest of my life." I'm just getting ready for 40, that's all. Apparently, it's a pretty big deal so I'd like to be prepared.

Hope you enjoy the blog - at least for a laugh.